The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
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Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch