When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
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I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I hate everything
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.