20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
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Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Every. Damn. Time.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn