Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
You Might Also Like
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.