Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
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“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.