*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
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*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Art by Pastelkatto
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
You are not alone 💚
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
this has to be peak English
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*