If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
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“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”