“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
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Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Saw your ex at the shops
so i’m at the stock market right
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.