I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
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This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.