I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
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Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp