Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
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If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
The cashier just checked me out.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Not my job 😂
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser