interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
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Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Worth the read.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Perfect
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.