Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
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Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
what are they serving at kfc then???
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
seems fine
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.