*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
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There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.