My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
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Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Cashiers are always checking me out
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.