More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
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I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!