All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
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We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts