Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
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Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
The internet is full of many things
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy