this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
You Might Also Like
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
OMG 🤣🤣
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres