If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
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I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.