jesus, what did this guy do
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Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread