glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
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My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
had to share :’)
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad