bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
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My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Lmbo
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.