there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
oh my gosh!!
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast