I miss this era type of pranks😭
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Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I’m sorry…what?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.