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Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
#Caturday
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
It do be feeling this way.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.