If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
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Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.