If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
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I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I identify as an antique shop.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
me opening up to someone
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.