Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
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Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Cause of death: Zumba
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
#Caturday
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy