I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
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“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably