Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
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LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
There’s always that one guy
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.