Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
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*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/