Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
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The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in