*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
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Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?