I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
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when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.