The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
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Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Story of my life…..
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.