Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
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wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird