Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.