idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
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Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Breaking news:
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably