The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
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Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.