The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
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No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
That’s classic.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only