ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
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Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Wait a minute…
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂