“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
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My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*