6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
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“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.