me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
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I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Received some very disappointing news today
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Optional boss fight.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em