driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
When news reporters do sports stories
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building