°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
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I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Whoa 😂
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I’m listening
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking