when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
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In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”