[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
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Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.