POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
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If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.